“Slugs and Snails an Puppy-Dog Tails…”

“Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.”

– Ancient Proverb

This is only my third post this year.  You can say that life has given me a little more than I can handle on a daily basis and I’ve had little time to write, let alone enough sleep to put any thoughts into a coherent sentence.  I also seem to have lost my hormonal muse, and have settled into taking life day by day and have had no time to over-think it.  – Basically, I’ve become busy.

However, Sawyer is going to be a year in six days, and I felt I needed to find a way to wrap up this year with him in a documented way.  I find it bitter-sweet that he is too little to create memories yet. These have been some of the most memorable months in my life because of him, and it’s weird that he’s been the focus, but will remember none of it.  He’s become such a little person the last two – three months as he’s transitioned from baby to toddler.  He has opinions and thoughts and a daily agenda that only he seems to know about.  It’s hard to grasp that each of his thoughts are passing thoughts, and leave little trail.  However, on the plus side, he will have absolutely no recollection of the time I got distracted before buckling him in to his high chair and he fell out.

His first year of life really seemed to be focused on simply keeping him alive; and to be honest, I’m a little proud of us for being able to do that.- I’ve killed a lot of plants in my day.  Therefore, this first birthday is a big deal to me.  It may not be a day he will remember, but it’s the day my baby is no longer a baby, and the term “parent” changes meaning. We are no longer the people that simply provided him life and are here to make sure his basic needs are met for survival, but, in addition, we are the people that need to start molding his personality, thoughts and actions.

This is a new challenge, as keeping him alive is becoming increasingly harder with his new mobility, strong will and sense of curiosity.  For him, the entire world is one big play pen, where dog food and pennies are scrumptious new tastes and textures, not just a choking hazard. He’s turned into a little boy. Nothing seems to be off limits, the word “No” is incredibly selective, and my mad-face is apparently hilarious.  Yet, every day he surprises me in a new way.  This morning he decided that instead of getting into things when left to his own devices, he would crawl over to his book case and page through a few by himself in his room for about 20 minutes.  This is new focus for him.  He’s never given anything that type of “quiet” time before.  It gave me hope that there may be a few moments of sanity I can enjoy over the coming months.

It’s the little things that you learn to hold on to in order to get you through the day now.  It’s those moments of discovery, the small victories of each day that become large triumphs and reasons to celebrate.  It’s the rare times I tell him no, and he actually stops and re-directs himself, and the look on his face when a new connection is made and he suddenly sees something he never noticed before.  It makes you recognize that life is a series of building blocks, things don’t happen, they are built.  Each curious attempt, whether it be mine when giving him pickles to see if he likes them or his when he reaches for something new to see what it feels like, are little stones of accomplishment and knowledge that help develop a person and a life; in my case — a little mischief-making, mess-finding curiosity-satisfying boy.

I am a fatalist.  I truly believe that everything in life is meant to happen the way that it happens.  It isn’t always pretty, and we don’t always understand why.  But I believe that the people that come into our lives are there for a specific purpose, the relationships we build and the struggles we endure are there to feed and further our souls in one way or another.  This belief system offers an immense amount of comfort when needed and allows me to justify and explain things I don’t understand.  But it also hinders my ability to see and appreciate the small things that truly develop the structure.  The daily activities that may not be part of the ” big plan” – I have a hard time thinking anyone’s soul needs to like or dislike pickles for a greater purpose – but these little moments of curiosity, knowledge and accomplishment all help develop the person, so they can in turn, help develop someone else.   Every mother hopes her child grows up to be something great, and defines his greatness by his occupation.  “My kid will be the next president of the United States!”.  Of course I hope he decides to become something professionally that will create financial security in his life and provide opportunities for him.  However, I think my greatest wish for him is that he develops into a person that serves a million littler purposes that are greater than his ability to comprehend.  Be the child that helps the kid up that was just bullied by someone else.  Be the listener his friend needs in a time of crisis, challenge the girls he dates to be better people, while he in turn does acts to become a better person himself.  –  I don’t want him to grow up to simply be a doctor, I want him to grow up to be happy and satisfied with who he is, and truly understand that everyone has worth and a soul and understand that the moments in life that truly matter are the ones where you have touched someone else’s soul and helped them in a way they will remember and take with them.

So knock over those blocks, learn to love pickles, and experience the difference between the dogs ears     and the cats and what happens when you pull them; because these are all the little curious moments in life that will help you develop a strong foundation, a tolerance for the bitter and a gentle touch with others.   Happy 1st Birthday Sawyer, when I help you blow out your candle this year, you may not know to make a wish yet, but my wish for you will be that you grow up to learn that It’s not about the path you choose, it’s how you choose to travel it.