When I’m stressed or can’t sleep, I design my house in my head. If I ever win the lottery, I would insist on redesigning our small cape-cod top to bottom before ever considering buying a more economically-appropriate home. I’ve spent hundreds of hours pulling every detail together in my head. I’ve been designing in my head since I was about 12. Oddly, I’ve done little designing in real life. Real life never turns out right anyway, it’s never practical. I don’t have cheap taste.
When I’m not designing, I’m spending my lottery winnings — It’s all mapped out; trust funds, business ventures, houses, charities — I’d throw every article of clothing I own away at one time and start completely over. Honestly, who wouldn’t? I guess dreaming up these larger than life plans gives me a sense of control. Somehow it’s therapeutic, a practice in the ‘Law of Attraction’ (Which has never worked for me.) It’s an outlet.
I had a therapist tell me years ago that I have a hard time separating fantasy from reality. He said that allowing my head to wonder like this is detrimental. He said these dreams are unattainable and give a false sense of hope, ultimately leading to a crash. I see his point. He was a straight-laced, older man. I’m sure he has been saving for retirement since he was 20, has a conservatively decorated home with a library and prefers to read “Psychology Today’ before bed, instead of watching ‘Leno’. I can also assume that he has never laughed until he’s cried, been on a vacation that didn’t involve a museum or has ever had an orgasm worth remembering. To each his own I guess, but I would take a crash over that any day. The realization that I can’t actually add an outdoor kitchen overlooking the pool on my non-existent veranda won’t kill me. A life where each day is so methodically routine and safe that even my death has been scheduled after my bed is made and the dog has been walked, might.
With a toddler, routines and structure are inevitable. It’s the only way to curb the madness – and the screaming. There’s So. Much. Screaming. Happy screaming, sad screaming, mad screaming. When my child isn’t being loud I start to worry. It’s amazing how the cutest kid on the planet can turn into the Tasmanian Devil in two seconds flat. He’s screamed to the point that he’s sounded demonic, and left me questioning that likelihood. It doesn’t help that he’s 18 months and already smarter than I am. I figure I’ll give him until he’s five before I hand over the reins and let him be in charge. My imaginary dream home will be decorated in Elmo, but there will always be cookies in the house – It’s a trade-off.
Yes, a certain amount of organization, routine and discipline are necessary to survive in the real world, but I’m a firm believer in balance. I don’t think one should forget to let the impossible and madness take the wheel once in a while. It’s good for the soul.
Lewis Carrol once wrote:
“Why, sometimes I believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”
(Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland).
This is my favorite book/movie, for the simple fact that it’s a reminder that sometimes the answers to life are in your dreams. That crazy ideas, crazy people and crazy lives are what keep the world evolving.
118 people to date read my last post. Three people told me it made them cry, two people opened up about their own mental-health experiences and one stranger shared it with her readers. Its humbling, flattering and an honor that a few words I shared at midnight on a Friday could have an effect on people. But it also makes me sad to know that my words made others sad. I guess life is sad sometimes. There’s really no way around it. However, people like me need it. The occasional bout of sadness keeps the impossible in perspective. It allows the grand plans of the day to come back down to earth and be broken apart into achievable tasks. It’s what allows me to create. Otherwise, it’s never more than an impossible idea. The truth is, life is messy. I don’t care how crafted your routine is, at some point it’s going to knock you down a rabbit hole. Whether you chose to climb your way back up, or eat the cookie and go through the door with the talking door knob, well that’s up to you. As for me, a talking door knob completes my design.
“…have I gone mad?I’m afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usually are.” — Lewis Carrol, Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland
Enjoy Life; Eat Candy 