“Sooner or later we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays , the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved. The real milestones are less prepossessing. They come to the door of memory unannounced, stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit and simply never leave. Our lives are measured by these.”
~Susan B. Anthony.
They tell you that to be a successful blogger, you should post consistently, daily even. I don’t do that. I don’t even post monthly. I don’t have the time, and quite honestly, I’m not that interesting. As much as I love to hear myself talk, I find it hard to believe that I would attract followers documenting and publishing random observations and mundane tales of my suburban life. I do my best not to bore you with the details.
As a result, my posts are sporadic. I try to write with intent and purpose. I do my best to feel that either I will or one other person will walk away with something at the end, even if it’s just Sawyer one day reading these and making some little piece of his life make sense to him. Sometimes I think I succeed at that, sometimes I don’t. It’s not without effort.
In fact, nothing about my life is effortless. A good portion of it is without success; but absolutely nothing is without effort. Even this entry has required effort. More than most. I’ve started writing it about six times now and haven’t been able to put into words exactly what I’m thinking. So I’ve decided to simply tell you about my first trip to Las Vegas.
I stepped off the plane and immediately relaxed. It was perfect. The air, the weather, the distance. Everything else would just have to wait. It was a much needed break, even if it was only for three days and even if it was for work. I was with six people that I barely knew. Six people that barely knew me. Six people that didn’t know the chaos that is my life. Six people that didn’t know that I live in pain and have chronic health issues. Six people that didn’t know that I am bipolar. I was getting three days to just be me. So that’s what I did. It was the most therapeutic three days of my life.
Most people leave Vegas with stories of drunken debauchery and secret regrets. Most people come back and tell you how they rode the mechanical bull topless, won and then lost 10 grand, or blacked out in a $3000/night hotel room with Mike Tyson’s pet tiger. I’m going to tell you how two nights in Vegas changed me – and did it without the mechanical bull.
It had been a particularly overwhelming week for me. I was unsure about leaving Sawyer for more than one night. I worried that I’d miss him. I worried he’d miss me or that I’d feel guilty I wasn’t there or that his schedule would get horribly disrupted and he wouldn’t understand why. – As it turns out, Grandma bought him all new toys for his sleep over and he didn’t even notice I was gone until day three. – I could breath. I was stressed about a few other life issues and a little nervous about my first trade show in an industry that I barely knew. I met the group down in the lobby, being the last to show up and a little frazzled that they were all waiting for me. I needed a drink. I made that immediately known and they were happy to accommodate. The night started out with whiskey shots and then the best burger I’ve ever eaten. . I laughed for three days straight. I was the person I was 10 years ago when I didn’t have countless responsibilities and have the weight of the world on me. I felt like nothing my but myself. Not someone’s mom, not someone’s wife, not a home owner, pet owner or psych patient. I just felt like me; the best version of me, and that was exactly what I wanted these new people to see. As it turns out, I don’t have much interest in gambling, so I stuck to drinking and chatting. I’m much better at that. – Then during a conversation, someone said the words “I don’t think I believe in depression.” I smiled and then blew my cover. I said, “…before you go any further I should probably tell you I’m bipolar…” A few questions started getting asked and then I did something I never do… I unloaded all of my life’s problems on a total stranger. I don’t know why. But after a night of Vodka-limes, instead of my usual canned and vague responses, I simply told the truth in detail. I was mortified the next day, but this person sat and listened, and at the end of the conversation said something simple, obvious and profound enough to strike a chord with me. He said “…you seem like a nice person. You should hang out with other nice people, and you’ll be ok.” To be honest, I don’t even remember exactly which stories I told him in completion that would warrant those exact words. I only remember bits and pieces of the conversation. But I remember that statement. I remember waking up the next day and going to my trade show and realizing I was surrounded by genuinely nice people that knew it was my first time in Vegas and just wanted to show me around. No agendas. Just relax, enjoy the city and the company.
I spent time learning a little bit about them and put my problems and life on the shelf for a few days –I got a little perspective. Those few simple words of advice were more meaningful to me than all of the words shared by family and friends that know me. They were impartial, they were simple, and they were without cause. They didn’t come with a lecture or a psychological evaluation of my deep-seeded issues stemming from childhood. They were too the point and in the here and now. Life is too short – don’t waste time on people that aren’t nice to you or don’t make you feel good.
I know this isn’t new advice. It shows up in some fashion in the form of an E-gram or cute quote on my facebook newsfeed twice a week; but until it is stated to you in a way that is directly related to your life, and in an environment that isn’t showing you each tie that you have to each unhealthy aspect of life, it gets dismissed. I think all too often we fight for things that aren’t healthy anymore, remembering then only the times that made us feel good, not always admitting that memories are in the past and the present should be evaluated with what’s really there and what the likelihood of a positive future may be. Letting go is painful. It’s the hardest thing for me to do personally. But sometimes it’s just the best choice.
Be a better person tomorrow than you were today and surround yourself with people that are just trying to do the same. Rid yourself of those that aren’t. Then stand back and watch. Watch how other people act, watch what comes back from simply being a little better, a little more caring, a little more selfless and a little less self-centric. This is harder than it sounds and less practiced than I think most would like to admit.
I think this person walked away understanding a little more about what actual depression is. When you’ve spent most of your life battling it, it’s hard to grasp that a large majority of people have never experienced it. But for those that haven’t, understanding that depression is not simply the opposite of happy is a hard sell. Happiness is a daily choice. Who you spend your time with is a choice. Who you let upset you is a choice. Depression is not. That comes from deeper places, sometimes it comes from chemical places in your brain that aren’t always controllable. Someday, I may experience a perfect life. Someday I may get myself to a place where I never worry about money, and my relationships are healthy and my family is thriving. I may wake up one day and realize I have it all. And if and when that happens, I will still battle depression. I will still have bad days and bad weeks. I will still need to be medicated to keep myself in line. But I will appreciate it. I will understand the difference between life as I know it and having it all. I will know the difference between wants and needs and I will understand the difference between chosen happiness and depression and I will learn to embrace them both with some form of grace. I’m not there yet, but my step today is hope that I shed a little light on mental illness that night and returned the favor of enlightenment during conversation between two strangers in Vegas that left footprints.
“Some people come into our lives…leave footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever the same. “
~Flavia Weedn
Enjoy Life; Eat Candy 
This was a good one. Always well worded and thought provoking, but this one I really identify with.