“Life is a party. Dress like it.” – Audrey Hepburn
I weigh myself every day. Sometimes twice. Theoretically, its a method of weight and health management. Realistically, its a practice in self-loathing and control. I take a deep breath, exhale fully and step on the scale every morning just before I get in the shower. If I don’t like the number, I might hop off and hop back on, hoping a slight shift in weight distribution or a mental picture of a salad may shave off a half a pound so I can start my day on a ‘lighter note’. Sometimes I celebrate the results, usually with some form of counter-productive dietary reward, like extra cream in my coffee, sometimes I realize I need to increase my ACV intake and vow to have a salad at lunch. Usually, that kills a pound or two by the next morning.
When I’m not obsessing over the number on the scale, I’m focused on the shape of the various parts of my body, obsessing over if I’m disappointing anyone throughout the day with my lack of organizational and time management skills, or I’m eating. Sometimes it’s my vowed salad, usually, it’s chocolate.
To add to my masochistic tendencies, today I asked a handful of friends how they would honestly describe me to someone in a few words or sentences. I got all sorts of colorful adjectives to pull from. On the high end: beautiful, sexy, brilliant, smart, wise and selfless. This wasn’t my worst idea! On the low end: Materialistic and Temperamental. Fair statements. What everyone found a way to agree on in some fashion was that I’m stubborn (my favorite word for this was tenacious), blunt, caring and complicated. They didn’t all say those things in the same way, but there was definitely a resounding theme to the results.
So, why did I make eight of my friends super uncomfortable today? Because Violet LOVES make-up. As I scrolled through the years pictures to reflect back on her year of being two, I realized she had a lot going on! So many activities, firsts, and new found interests and joy. But I realized that NOTHING brought her more happiness this year than make-up.
My favorite day with her to date was an impromptu ‘girls day’. I took her on errands, which started at Ulta. She walked in and her eyes lit up. She was in her own nirvana. She immediately started asking for things and reaching for the brightest and shiniest items on the shelves. Then I turned around and she had found a caboodle, just her size. It was over. We spent an hour walking the aisles as she loaded up with all things pink. -She did it in sunglasses. As we got into the car, she climbed into her seat and said: “Ok, now let’s go get Tacos!” – This chicks going to be the leader of the pack. (and expensive!)
After that day, she’s spent lots of days playing dress up, and smearing hot pink lipgloss all over her face while requesting snacks. When she gets upset, she will climb into my lap and ask to see the “dresses” on my phone. – She likes to scroll the toddler dress section on my Zulily App. It seems to calm her down. Most days, she’s insistent her socks are pink and has an opinion on her hairstyle. And after every hairstyle, I tell her how pretty she is. She smiles at me, touches her pigtails and says ” I’m so beautiful”. She doesn’t need a mirror to know this.
This year I’ve watched her unwavering self-confidence with admiration. She doesn’t wear makeup because she thinks she needs improvement, she plays with makeup because it’s fun. She doesn’t need a mirror to know she’s beautiful, she knows it because I tell her. Many people would tell me to stop commenting on her physical appearance and replace those words with “bold”, “strong” “courageous”, and I think telling her shes those things is important, but it doesn’t replace ‘beautiful’. All girls want to hear that they are beautiful. There hasn’t been one day of my entire life that I have been half as self-assured as she is. Then last week, I was with some friends, and through some general conversation, one of them said: “…ya know the worst thing about you is your [lack of] confidence…” This was a compliment, a backhanded one, but a compliment nonetheless. And probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. So, today I asked those that know me what they thought of me. I put it out there, I made everyone uncomfortable, I asked for blatant honesty. I gained some perspective. They had similar words to each other, but there were very few similar words to how I would have described myself. It won’t stop me from getting on the scale tomorrow or applying the 2nd coat of mascara. But it will change the words I choose when talking about myself in front of my daughter. It will change the words I allow her to use about herself as she gets older. It might make me stop the next time I’m comparing myself, my work, my everything and remind myself there’s a chance it’s all in my head. I might also try to learn how to graciously lose an argument, I’m told I’m bad at that.
Violet,
I will always indulge your ‘girly nature’, as it might simply be who you are. But as you get bigger and more insistent on a well-rounded shoe collection, stop and take note of how beautiful you are barefoot. Never lose your confidence. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re anything but stunning. Let your strong will, blunt personality and intuitive heart shine through every situation and realize that your favorite pink lipstick is doing nothing more than getting people to glance in your direction so they can see the unmatched character and loving heart that shines through those big brown eyes. And most certainly don’t ever let your love of all things pretty keep you from your love of Tacos. There’s room in life for both.
Happy 3rd Birthday my pretty pink princess. I love you more than chocolate.
-Mom
“Makeup is art. Beauty is spirit” -unknown
Enjoy Life; Eat Candy 