See Saw, Margery Daw: Jacky shall have a new master Jacky shall have but a penny a day because he can work no faster. -Mother Goose
“Is there anything you’re looking forward to this Summer?”, my psychiatrist asked. “Normalcy and a chance to be bored”, I answered. She paused for a moment, “Really… ok, well I suppose that’s understandable. Do you think it will happen?” “Probably not, but anything ‘less’ than the last 3 years should be a cake-walk, plus the Abilify has been a God-send.” The conversation ended with refills and a follow-up.
I have a new boss. So far, I like him. He seems smart, stoic, decisive and personable. I hope at some point he relaxes just a little around everyone. Loses just a bit of the “formality”. I’m better at what I do when I don’t have to worry about filtering my big mouth, but it’s early in his tenure. Eventually he’ll realize I do my best work when I can use 4 letter words in a meeting and ‘professionally’ make it known when someone on the team is being a douche behind closed doors, all in an effort to speed up finding the root cause of a problem so we can fix it. I’ve never had a boss that didn’t appreciate that about me…eventually. About a month ago, I applied for a potential promotion. I don’t need more to do at work, I’m just a bit of a masochist. He’s noticed. He heard me out. He liked my proposal. ‘You seem to work a lot, how are you going to maintain work-life balance?’, he asked. ‘Working a lot is kind of how I’m wired, it won’t matter much what the work-load is, I’ll find projects regardless’, I replied, diplomatically. He doesn’t know me yet. He doesn’t know that I don’t believe in ‘balance’. Nothing noticeable gets accomplished through balance. Plus, now I have Abilify.
My entire life feels like a series of unfinished projects. Correction: My life is nothing but a series of unfinished projects. Some half started, some half finished, some still in the planning stages. I think that’s one of my biggest stressors in life; the unfinished lists. But projects are kind of my thing. They are both my chaos and my sanity all in one, and I think when I occasionally get to bring something to completion, that sense of accomplishment is what I thrive on. I’d almost always rather be immersed in a project than doing anything else. Which project I should be working on is a constant inner-battle.
I think most people struggle with balance a little bit. Work-life, kids-relationship, personal interests-responsibility, identity-being everything everyone else needs you to be. All see-saws I think we hop on and off of, switching sides, as what should be a two-person activity is maintained by one. Eventually, you get one side of a see-saw high enough that you can see the horizon. Only when that happens do I put the back and forth on hold for a moment and focus all my attention on getting it fully to the highest point and sit up there long enough to enjoy the view. That moment, perched at the top of that see saw, holding on to the handle and gazing out at the sunset, with that project done, knowing it’s the last time that side of that see saw will be that high and at that particular angle of that view will be seen; that’s the best feeling. That’s the moment to be enjoyed. Knowing I got to the top. Knowing that project is done. Enjoying the view and sense of pride in the work it took to get there. Admiring the details I spent so much time and energy on. Realizing the skill it took to not just be all-in on one side, using nothing but shear weight to get there, because I don’t have that. I don’t have nothing but boulders of time to hyper-focus on one side and one view of one see-saw. I had to adjust the hydraulics, and add small weights to the other side strategically, a little at a time. I had to keep that other half down without letting it sink into the ground. I also had to make sure the view at the top was worth it. I needed the angle to be just right, to make sure the details were there, so that when I got to the high point, there wasn’t a tree blocking my view. It’s never perfect, there’s always a branch that could be cut down, or a bird that perches just off center of the sunset and obstructs the view just a little bit. But, perfect isn’t the objective. High isn’t the objective. Done isn’t the objective. The objective is seeing the horizon in an almost perfect way, because as we discussed last time, perfect isn’t a thing. At least not an achievable one. Sitting on top of that seesaw watching the sunset, combing through the details of the seemingly simple toy to see how you got up there, seeing the way the light touches the top of a tree you’ve never seen the top of before… that’s the objective. That’s the moment it’s worth it. That’s the kind of high I’m eternally after. That’s my happy place.
Now, if I only had one see-saw, this wouldn’t seem that hard. But, like most, I have a fleet of see-saws. An entire see-saw park that offers saws of all shapes and sizes, facing in all directions, like a 3D maze of insanity. Then there are the swing sets. Someone keeps sneaking into my see-saw park and setting up swing sets in random places between my see-saws, creating hazards, view obstructions, distractions and time-sucks as I have to stop all see-saw related activities and take down the sets. I’m not sure who insists on putting them up repeatedly, or why. I’ve tried to hire park security, but they seem to be a waste of money.
The past year the park vandal brought in some pretty large swing sets. It’s one thing to spend an evening taking down a basic A-frame with one swing: a sick kid, a flat tire, a dog that saw the open gate before you did. It’s another to take down a 6 swing set with a glider at one end and a slide at the other. The past few years, I’ve disassembled a lot of gliders, leaving less time and energy to focus on the see-saws. Some see-saws just waited. They were delivered, but stayed in the box. Some had to balance at a 25 degree angle for a while, rising slowly, as time allowed. I had to choose which see-saws had the greatest impact, the best view potential, or were just positioned in the way of the high value rides, so they had to get erected first. I spent time switching which priorities were opposite another so no one true priority was neglected. The longest of see-saws stayed in pieces, even if I had already taken them out of the box. I had to do what was necessary to keep the park open. 2 big see-saws serving 4 patrons garners less profit than 8 smaller ones serving 16, even with an upcharge. Business 101.
While worrying about my unfinished projects, I scrolled past a question a friend posted on the internet that got me thinking. “What are you most proud of from this past year?” My answer: Survival. Sometimes stopping to realize that you had 8 see-saws with 16 priorities all in working order after three years of taking down glider after glider is a moment to be noticed. Then there’s the moment after when you look down at your hands and see the wear, tear, scrapes and scars from endless demolition and and realize you can still make a fist. That moment is felt. It’s felt at a deep level. One that explores the depths of the exhaustion and revisits the trauma from late nights building alone in a dark park. It observes the pain in your fingers when you unclench your fist and wonders how long it will be before it all heals. You feel the sense of relief that the last of the slides has been hauled away and a sense of accomplishment that it didn’t take the whole park down during demolition. The park survived. You survived. None of your see-saws go very high right now, none have more than a mediocre view, but you’re here with all the toys in-tact and you can now restart the work on each of those projects to find the best view. Sometimes surviving is the absolute best you can do. Sometimes it’s not the bare minimum. Sometimes it takes more effort and attention than any project you’ve ever encountered. Sometimes the best view is simply the one you have standing at the edge of your park entrance admiring that you have a park to play in at all.
I don’t believe in balance. I’ve been through too much at this point to put my efforts into trying to achieve the unachievable, for starters. Secondly, you don’t get to see the horizon if your see-saws are perfectly flat. I believe in fate and having a little faith. While surviving the last few years, at no point did I have any flat see-saws, but I made it anyways and balance was anything but the answer. What I did realize is that every unordered swing set to suddenly appear in my life came with pieces I can use to weigh down, prop up or adjust a saw and will help me reach a see saws potential in a simpler way later on. Every swing set demolition came without instructions and its own, unique, craftsmanship I had to re-verse engineer to complete; inadvertently teaching me something about construction, mechanics or physics. I didn’t want any of those swing sets, and I dread the day I wake up to a new one, but, in some way I ended up needing something from all of them.
Violet,
This year you had your first struggles with balancing life. First grade was not what you expected and you want to be playing 24/7 had you hating class time. You struggled with balancing who to play with, and struggled with balancing your new obsession with your best friend vs spending time with other kids. You struggled with not always getting what you want. You wanted to play with your best friend at school, but his other friend was against it and you hated that other little boy for standing in your way. You fought for your time, but eventually we had to tell you that it wasn’t fair to your friend to put him in the middle and you could play with him at home. You seemed to acquiesce. Then your started to play with Annie. Annie and you became great friends and you made a few others along the way as well. You struggled with balancing wants vs needs, as some days you felt too tired to get ready for dance class on a Saturday morning, regardless of how much you love it, and you definitely struggled with the time it took to do homework vs doing, well, anything else. You wanted freedom and playtime and first grade started to bring responsibilities you weren’t used to. Responsibilities in way of chores and work and schedules, but also responsibility with other peoples feelings and how to balance those with your own. Finding those boundaries was sometimes hard and the drama in your life at six was real. Every step of the way felt a little unfair and every time you compromised it felt a little one-sided as your wants felt so much more important than the needs. But, you can’t always get what you want. If you did, your see-saw would be high on one side, but buried on the other and you’d never be able to get down. If you can’t get down, you can’t build other see-saws and the novelty from the view on top would wear off.
My wish for your this year is that as time rolls on and your see-saw park gets bigger and the see-saws longer, you learn to accept your wants are only really worth it when the needs are tended to. The sense of accomplishment when nothing is below ground level relieves stress all on it’s own, and will allow the time and energy to focus on getting the one see-saw you’re most excited about to the top. Learn to prioritize. Your problems and balancing acts may be small at 6, but they will become more complicated as life moves along, and you will inevitably encounter some swing sets along the way. Remember that those swing sets may feel heavy and intrusive, but they are how you learn the mechanics and find the weight to apply to get your best see-saws to the top.
Never feel unaccomplished on the days you need to just survive. Sometimes popcorn for dinner means no one goes to bed hungry and the dishes are minimal, balancing the scale just enough for that day to call it for the night. Survival always comes first. Sometimes an all-nighter to finish off that one amazing see-saw is what’s needed to get you to the top, allowing more time to enjoy the view. And sometimes taking a few nights off to admire that you have a park at all is the respite that saves it and guarantees future growth.
Your spunky personality and pure zest for life will have you mapping out your park early, and your big imagination and limitless mind-set will have you dreaming of see-saws for miles. See-saws like that don’t get built on perfect balance. They get built on hard work, perseverance, and drive. As you take on more, don’t forget to count your see-saws and recognize when some deliveries need to stay in the box for just a little longer. Also, take note of your hands, realize when they are tired and need time to heal, because you can’t build without them.
I am so excited to watch your park grow and see what your vision brings. I will always support your want for bigger and better see-saws, and will be here to help take down the swing sets and set aside the pieces I think may help you keep your park in motion.
Happy 7th Birthday, Peaches. May your pure love of life keep you always rising and never bored.
Love, Mom
“You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you’ll find, you get what you need.”
Enjoy Life; Eat Candy 