He raised his hand in class, something he’s not likely to do. He hates being the center of attention. It makes him nervous. He might tic. That makes him feel embarrassed. Which makes him more nervous. Which makes him tic more. Viscous cycle. Best to keep his hand down. He raised it this time. She called on him. He began to answer the question. He started answering it wrong. She cut him off to tell him that. He got annoyed.
“If you’re going tell me that I’m wrong, can you at least let me finish my sentence first?” He said.
“Well, that was disrespectful,” she replied. He shut up. She moved on for a moment…called on him later when his hand wasn’t raised to ask him a question that she knew he wouldn’t know the answer to, then paused for a long time, putting him on the spot… his friend saved him, blurting out the answer.
Hear No Evil. See No Evil. Speak No Evil. The three wise monkeys. There is a statue in Japan that depicts three monkeys holding their hands over their ears, eyes and mouth, which has become an iconic piece of artwork, as it became symbol in Buddhist teachings. It seems to have two interpretations when doing a bit of research online…proof that interpretation is a funny thing, as some things we are sure of, we are also wrong about. But with either interpretation, there’s a lesson, and I think that’s the important part at the moment. See No Evil. Hear No Evil. Speak No Evil. Many feel this means to turn a blind eye to wrong doing. Don’t participate in the act, or the gossip. Simply stay out of it, let others say and do what they want – don’t speak up, put your ear buds in, walkaway. Mind your own business.
However, the original Buddhist teaching was…if you simply don’t surround yourself with evil doing, you, yourself will be spared suffering in this life. So, approach things with kindness. Be generous with your thoughts and words, don’t go seeking out trouble and you will face less trouble. – There’s definitely some overlap.
But it leaves a space where you’re not seeking trouble, but confrontation finds you anyways. Where you can choose to be a doormat or stand up for yourself, and there’s isn’t much in-between. That place where you need to find the line and method between self-assertion and being a jerk. Conflict-avoidance isn’t always the answer, and rarely leads to a resolution.
I’m not known for keeping my mouth shut. I’m not an overly confrontational person, but I typically have a few quick words and rarely are they filtered. Some of them have 4 letters. But when I use those, they are less likely to be during anger and more likely to be in standard conversation. Keeps things colorful. My mother loves it. I will say that I tend to be quick to anger – comes with the territory of a mood-disorder and well, just being me. Its certainly not my best quality. However, having a quick wit when angry is a benefit in arguments, as most people shut down when angry, and I definitely don’t. Because of this, learning to be a lot more careful than most has been a requirement, and learning when to stop and when to control my tongue is something that I had to do the hard way. I’m glad Sawyer knew to stop in his ‘back n’ forth’ with his teacher. If I had been sitting in his seat that day, I wouldn’t have.
I asked a lot of people their opinions on that interaction, and I got several different viewpoints. The boomer generation – all appalled he’d “talk back” to his teacher in the first place. The millennial generation was proud of him for calling his teacher out on interrupting as that’s something they (children) are constantly told not to do to. They thought it was great that he had the courage to set a boundary with her, because that will serve him well as a skill in the future, even if it was a fruitless gesture in the moment. They did not see his request as disrespectful at all. I tend to agree with the latter. Everyone agreed that it was good he chose not to retort after, and everyone agreed that her calling on him later was her simply being petty. She was clearly having a bad day. Gen X had mixed reviews. Typical.
As a child, I never would have had the courage to stand up to anyone, let alone anyone in authority. Even today, I need to have an established relationship with someone where I know how they will respond so I can prepare my approach. I was raised by parents of the boomer generation and taught to respect elders at all costs. I was taught to be non-confrontational. I was taught to follow direction. I was also taught to be independent and stand on my own two feet and handle my own thoughts and feelings and do my best to not make them everyone else’s problems. Those are the daily goals. Sometimes those goals are highly contradictory.
I didn’t ask ‘why’ as a kid. Sawyer does. To annoyance. To the point that it often feels disrespectful. To the point that the phrase “because I said so” comes out of my mouth, and I cringe, every time. It feels like he’s questioning me and my decision-making abilities vs the action itself, and that likely speaks a whole lot more to my confidence level as a decision maker than it does to whether or not he’s being disrespectful in the moment. He quite possibly, and most likely, is literally just asking ‘why’ to get a better understanding of the reasoning behind the action, because that’s how people learn things, not because he doesn’t trust my judgement. So why am I so quick so assume otherwise?
I knew parenting wouldn’t be easy, and honestly, I think the nine-million resources at our fingertips now almost makes it harder, as everything is contradictory, and to parent perfectly is completely impossible, but the internet will make you feel like the worst person on the planet for not being able to do it all. His left brain and my right brain don’t think alike most of the time, and he doesn’t understand why I do things the way I do, and I don’t understand why he cares so much why I do things the way I do them…but he does. He cares a LOT.
He’s a logical deep feeler who’s been through a lot of ‘adult’ grief, and when you go through grief and trauma you develop a different sense of self. There’s a sense of confidence gained through that because you attach yourself to mortality in ways others may not have… just yet. In other words, there’s an aura of ‘fuck it’ that surrounds you. Before turning 11, he went to 4 funerals. All were inside the same 12 months. All while his dad was still fighting for his life. They don’t make a parenting book that tells you the exact right thing to say to a deep feeling, logical child, with his own physical and mental health issues, that’s seeing just how fragile life is for the first time, in quantity, and in detail. His dad is much better now, so he is doing much better now, most days. It’s amazing how quick we all are to simply pick up and carry on, even children. But please don’t mistake that for resiliency. Its coping, Its survival. It’s slowly healing and finding a new sense of self. A new way of viewing life with a keener eye, more sensitive ear and a sharper tongue.
Sawyer,
As your waded through the thick of it all, you found your voice. My wish for you this year, is you learn to harness it.
As I got older, and I learned who I was in my own skin, as I spoke to professionals over the years, as I spoke to friends, mentors, myself, I found my voice. It took time. I was never a quiet person, but I’m not the same person I was 30 years ago. At 10, I never would have “talked back” or “set a boundary” with a teacher, especially in front of the entire class the way you did. I would have rather died on the spot than speak up like that. And even today, I’m unlikely to say it directly, and more likely to phrase it in some sort of a witty commentary and hope they read between the lines. What you did takes a confidence I don’t think I’ve ever had. It takes a level of knowing you deserve to be treated in a certain way and you won’t settle for less, no matter the circumstances or repercussions, that I have never once granted myself. And while I know that there may have been better ways for you to handle that moment, I will confidently stand behind the fact that you were not the disrespectful one in that exchange, just because you were the younger of the two.
Authority is a funny thing. We need to respect it, as it’s a position we need to assume was earned. And I will always stand behind that. But it also must not be abused. And while everyone has a bad day, and I’m not putting this teacher on trial for one comment on a bad day, as I couldn’t do her job without a million bad comments on every day, I guess it’s just comforting to know that my kid might just stand up for himself if the time ever comes and someone that does truly abuse a position of authority or is truly disrespectful. We want better for our kids, and that gives me just a little bit of hope that after everything we’ve been through, maybe you’ll get it.
Learn to speak your truth, set the boundary, respectfully say what needs to be said, but say it in a way that garners respect back. Quick wit will help soften the blow when something needs to be discussed that may sting but be careful and cognizant of when and how you use it. Humor isn’t funny if you’re the only one laughing.
Use your words for good. Being the smartest in the room is often best shown by speaking your peace once and then being quiet and letting the others sort it out to come back to the conclusion you gave to begin with. For arguing with idiots if fruitless. They will “…drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.” (-Mark Twain).
Lastly, use your voice for positivity. Being right is important only until it hurts someone. Saying something nice for no reason can sometimes change their entire day, and people are more motivated by encouragement and positive feedback than by money or reward. In the end, the more you use words that show respect and kindness, the more you will demonstrate respect and kindness, and the more you will feel at peace, for you will receive respect and kindness in return.
When in doubt, behave like a monkey. Hear No Evil. See No Evil. Speak No Evil.
Happy (Belated) 11th Birthday, Peanut.
Love, Mom
Enjoy Life; Eat Candy 