There are a lot of things in life I have attempted and wanted to be good at. Some I was reasonably successful with, some were a complete failure, and some seemed to require more effort that I was willing to put forth. However, there is one skill I seemed to acquire without specifically trying. Figuring people out. I try not to judge people within the first 5 minutes of meeting them; however, that does go against my naturally “bitchy” nature. I’m working on that. But when I use the phrase “figure out” I don’t mean, “judge”. I mean successfully evaluating someone after a few encounters to understand why/how they may think like they do. Why they react the way do to certain situations and how to work within that to make for a more copacetic experience for all involved, as well as get whatever it is that I may be after. Some people call it intuition. I call it observation. Others call it manipulation. I call it…well I can’t really disagree with that one.
However, I have found that this skill has come from many years of feeling judged for things people don’t understand. People assume that your life is only what they see. Perception is reality to most involved. However, that is a cop-out that is used by the general population to isolate themselves into their own world and never have to think about anyone else or their situation for more than 5 minutes a day. In fact, I believe I read a statistic once that said that the average human thinks about other people for a total of 5 minutes a day. (Don’t quote me on this; I can’t remember where I read it.) This fact stuck with me. It seems like an astoundingly small number, but yet, it doesn’t really surprise me at all. Most people in this world are worried about how you will affect them in a positive or negative way. Their thoughts about you are purely a selfish means to an end result.
Taking this fact into account, as well as the excessive disappointment that I have felt in years passed based on others lack of consideration; I had to ask myself why I was upset. Is it because others are truly slighting me, or is it that it is simply that it is in human nature to do things to satisfy our own personal needs, no matter how “selfless” they seem, and I should just learn to work within this restriction? I decided that the later was a more reasonable explanation and allowed me to control the situations presented, which always makes me feel better.
So, I have learned to try and step back and evaluate someone when I am going to encounter him or her for more than 1 meeting. ”Why is she so abrasive?” – The obvious and judgmental answer would be… “Because she’s a controlling bitch who thinks she knows everything”, however, upon a few conversations, I find that usually it’s a sense of insecurity. It may not do me any good to know that, she is still going to be a bitch. But understanding why allows me to know how to approach her so she’s less of a bitch towards me specifically. Some people call it “brown-nosing.” I prefer to call it being “proactive” – There is some truth the phrase “you catch more flies with honey”
In an effort to not become a doormat, I have definitely adopted a forward approach to use when I need it. – My mom told me that she was describing me to a friend and said ” Becky will do anything for anyone, until you cross her, then she’s the first one to throw you under the bus!” – Thanks mom. However, upon thought about this, I am not really sure that I am ashamed of this image. I will do anything for anyone, I truly want the best for people and I want everyone to be happy and get what they want out of life. To help with this, I will do my best to give you the benefit of the doubt; hence my personal evaluation to figure you out. However, if you take advantage of this, you can assume that I have an Italian temper. So, watch out. Although, I have found that lashing out rarely gets me anywhere. I mean, it usually makes me feel better, I yell at my husband all the time, and I do get a sense of accomplishment out of that. However, it rarely gets me what I’m actually after. As for the rest of the people in my life, they are overall less forgiving and aren’t obligated to love me regardless, so I need to be more diplomatic. This is what most call: “playing into the politics”
Everyone hates politics. Family politics, company politics, social politics etc… I have found that when referring to something as “political” is just a PC way of saying “personal ego”. I have dealt with this a lot over the years in various jobs and professions, as well as my personal life. Most have I’m sure. It seems stupid, petty and completely unproductive. It is. However, I have determined that it is completely unavoidable. Humans are wired with emotions. We don’t act on pure instinct. We want to the results as well as the rewards and recognition. When we get upset that someone else is being “political” about things, we are really only upset because it has hurt our ego in one way shape or form, and we are contributing the political nature of the environment, even if we think we are taking a stand against it. Bottom line; if you can’t fight ‘em; join ‘em.
Figuring people out on the front end has made this overall “life game” a bit easier for me. My husband for example, he will tell me he hates “politics” and doesn’t understand why he can’t just “do a good job” and have that be enough. There’s always someone nit-picking. He thinks that the only measured results should be in the numbers produced at work or in the overall end result of a task at home. How he goes about doing this should be 100% his choice and no one else’s concern. If we were all robots, that would be great! But we’re not, and what he fails to realize, is that how he goes about doing things effects people around him and how they are able to go about doing paralleled tasks. Also, his successes and failures often threaten other people’s purpose. The fact that he ignores that he has a direct effect with every movement he makes throughout the day is a result of him wanting and defending his own ego. When he gets upset about how they react or that his efforts went unnoticed, his “political agenda” comes through loud and clear. Essentially, even the most well-intentioned people are offenders. I need to disclaimer this by restating that he does always have the best of intentions.
I play into his ego all the time, although, you will get a completely different answer if you as him. But I do. Sometimes it’s to avoid an argument. Sometimes its to just make him feel good because he deserves that, and sometimes it comes out in the form of devils advocate to help him work through the situation in his head to see on his own how his ego is escalating a situation that he could be in better control of. It has taken years for me to really figure this out with him. There are some people that I am able to figure out within minutes of exposure. He took me almost a decade of constant time with him to predict and understand his reactions to things. It’s probably why we’ve been together for as long as we have. I don’t get bored. Frustrated –yes. Bored — no. In the end, I have found that I was likely over-thinking it. He’s not as complicated as I thought. He’s a Leo, tried and true. No doubt about it. Though, there will always be variances in his reactions to specific situations, I know I can keep my bookmark on leo-sun-sign.com and come up with a pretty accurate estimate of why he acts the way he does.
Other people are a bit easier, mostly because I have to deal with less of their every day shit. You will find that people wear their heart on their sleeve if you are paying attention. Once you get just a bit of background information about their lives, they are easily sized up. A friend asked me if I had him figured out when I met him. I said, “I like to think so”. He didn’t respond to that. Mostly, because I’m sure he thinks I really have no idea. But, he comes from a family where he is the oldest of 7. All adopted. His overall demeanor is to be cool, calm and collected all the time and a “yes-man” without being a specific kiss-ass. He comes off as very aloof, as if he is never bothered by anything. Yet, every so often he will have a strong opinion on something that seems to come out of no-where. This all makes him easy to interact with, but complicated and difficult to manage. You never seem to know what he’s thinking or how he feels about anything. Closed book. What I take from this is that being the oldest of 7, he learned to be very independent at a very young age. Having 6 brothers and sisters, all with different genetics, he was consistently dealing with many varying personalities. Of course, some traits are learned and nurtured behaviors, but others are definitely in our blood. I’ve never met his family, but I am guessing there are 7 very different personalities. Dealing with this has made him an overall accepting person that avoids confrontation unless absolutely necessary. He is extremely well-adjusted from what I can tell, which tells me that he will always bounce back, and explains why things roll-off his back so easily. His independence and his ability to not sweat the small stuff are what make him hard to manage. These are all great qualities, ones most of us aspire to have, however, if you are the boss, its hard to tell if he has legitimate concern and care about what he is doing. His lackadaisical approach is frustrating to those that are constantly looking for the rewards and recognition, because he’s simply not. This causes a discrepancy in what each deem to be a priority. Basically, when you can get him to focus, he will do a stellar job. He knows what he’s doing and will always make sure he’s doing it right. But it will get done in his own time, because he’s not out to win the race. The flip side to this is that when he has an opinion, getting him to see that the straight facts aren’t always enough. The concept of perception is reality is a hard concept for him. This stems from his scientific nature as well as being the oldest of 7 and being Mr. independent and likely the one the younger siblings went to for advice and guidance. In other words, he’s used to being right and the decision maker.
Now that I’ve given my 2 cents on this friend, I’m sure he will read this and laugh and I will get a smart-ass comment tomorrow. However, I also bet there is a bit of truth to this. The fact that I was able to figure him out a bit is why we became friends. Those that can’t figure him out, may find him a bit unapproachable, and when that happens people are likely to work against his nature instead of within it to achieve the correct goal they are likely both after.
I am a Pisces. I meet about 70% of the listed traits. The other 30% us a product of my environment and blood line. I have the stubborn, controlling attitude that all of the Letizia-women seemed to have, and it has been a challenge to recognize that and do what I can to keep it in check. It gets me in trouble and more often than not, I’m the only one that gets disappointed. I am an extrovert. I gain 100% of my energy from others around me. Being alone for any length of time is a problem, and I would rather sit and do nothing with someone in the room than sit and do nothing alone. This is why I have an addiction to facebook. Someone else is always in the room with me if I’m logged on. I like to be center of attention. But I tend to sit back and people watch when out with large groups. I like to talk. Mostly because if I’m talking, it means someone is interacting with me, the more we talk, the more energy I have. I have struggled with depression my entire life. Clinical and situational. I am learning what I can and cannot control to avoid being my own worst enemy. I am creative and tend to “think big”. I am extremely sensitive, which benefits me in many areas, and hurts me in others. They consider Pisces sensitivity to make them very intuitive people. I don’t know if I would call my ability to figure people out “intuition” or if I just consider it strategic use of mind to avoid unneeded conflict and hurt. I guess I call it self -protection.
The point of all of this is that I have finally figured out what may be a key ingredient to happiness. We spend our lives working at everything we do. I think that most of us spend our lives working harder instead of smarter. This may seem like the lazy way out, or come off as manipulative, but I think that it just seems to make sense to work within the limitations presented instead of constantly trying to find ways to break the barriers. Every situation has limitations. Most limitations are less physical and more emotional. Our self worth is embedded in our ego, and overall we are all looking to be accepted and appreciated in one way or another, how we view and accept praise, recognition and sense-of-self if different for everyone. It’s what makes us individuals. Instead of wondering why someone can’t just “think like you” it’s overall easier to just try and think like them and work within his or her methods to come up with the end result. If they can come to the conclusion on their own, with guided help of course, you are going to get the results you were after. Needing less personal recognition = actually getting what you want. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but at the end of the day you have to ask yourself which is most important: being right or having someone else admit it later?
Enjoy Life; Eat Candy 